This tree is every tree.
As I chain my self to it I tie my fate to that of all the forests in the world.
It is the straw, and should is fall all backs will break.
We will become as death itself.
For what other being but death would destroy that which gives it life?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Coincidence?
It has been some time since I published anything to this blog. It has become rather random and eclectic and something about that bothers me, probably it reminds me of how I too have become seemingly quite random and eclectic... but that is another story.
The story I want to tell today is true, it is the true story of today.
To set the stage, you will need a little bit of background. At this time in my life I am attempting (frustratingly slowly at the moment) to write my Master's thesis. My topic is landscape and pilgrimage. In September and October of 2011, I walked for 37 days covering a distance of nearly 900km from St. Jean Pied-de-Port, France to Santiago de Compostela, Spain. The distance between these two places is more commonly referred to as the Camino de Santiago, a Medieval, Catholic pilgrimage. What I am doing with this is writing an autoethnography exploring how the landscapes of the pilgrimage impact the experiences of the pilgrim, in this case, myself. An autoethnography, is essentially a detailed analysis of your own experiences as a member of a culture. The culture here is that of pilgrims on the Camino, and I was a member of that culture, as soon as I set one foot in front of the other headed down that well worn trail. For my research I kept a daily journal wherein I talked about the landscape I had walked through each day, and what kinds of experiences I had during that day. At this moment, I am engaged in writing out all of these experiences in a more engaging and detailed form to be included in my thesis. A word, and a concept, that has come up several times in my journal that is making its way into my thesis is "Synchronicity". Synchronicity is the idea that "coincidences" are not random, but in fact meaningful. While the idea has come up often in my life and I use the term on occasion, I don't actually have any philosophical grounding for understanding it or talking about it, but I have been aware that I'll need to have one if I'm going to talk about it in my thesis.
This morning I awoke, as I often do, from a dream that I don't really remember and it's not really important. After making myself an americano, I sat down to check my email. Somewhere in the course of checking email I came across a link to a very odd video. In this video, an interview as it turned out, an English rock band by the name of Turbowolf was inquiring into some of the mysteries of the universe with a notable paranormal author. I was listening to this in the background as I went about doing other things but one sequence caught my ear. The author was speaking about the afterlife-obsessed ancient Egyptians and suggesting that the Great Pyramid at Giza was not, as it commonly believed, a tomb but rather an elaborate three dimensional model of their cultural beliefs about the journey into the afterlife. A training arena for the eventual death and associated journey into the afterlife which the Egyptians believed should be something you prepared for in life.
This concept suddenly brought to mind in me the idea that perhaps our dreams are something similar. Dreams, are replete with symbolism (archetypes if you will), and the thought occurred to me that having dreams and trying to decode and understand them, is a kind of training in communicating through symbolism. Symbolism being a far more "universal" language than say English, or Coptic. Once we have an understanding of the language of symbols we can communicate with our subconscious, or perhaps our subconscious can communicate with us... For convenience sake "us" here refers to our conscious self. If your think about it, a journey into the subconscious is an awful lot like a journey into the underworld (semantic metaphors aside). Stories of psychoanalysis and intensive meditation will attest that this journey is no less difficult or dangerous than a journey into a mythological (or real) underworld.
Following this morning coffee theorizing session I tried to go about my work day as usual: walk the dog, meditate to clear my mind, sit in front of the computer and attempt to write my seemingly unending and now dreaded "chapter 4"... Naturally my efforts to focus and "get work done" were largely unsuccessful.
Later in the day my father calls. He really wants everyone to see the movie "Pina", I've seen it! So we talk about that a bit. Somehow or other the conversation comes around (unprompted mind you) to Carl Jung, which I find pretty interesting given my morning, and I might go so far as to call is a minor episode of Synchronicity. We have a pretty interesting conversation about symbols for a little while and eventually I have to go because (interestingly enough) I had already made plans to go see a different movie, "A Dangerous Method", about (you guessed it) Carl Jung, and Sigmund Freud. The movie makes several mentions of Jung's theories about "coincidence", though they don't explicitly use the word "synchronicty", it is heavily implied.
But there's more. As I'm thinking about synchronicity and walking out the door to go home I decide to go into the bookstore instead and maybe check out some Jung, whom I have never actually read, because remember I still need that philosophical grounding for my thesis. I head resolutely toward where I assume the psychology section would be (near Religion and Occult) and sure enough there it is. As I let my eyes roll over the books they come to rest first upon a book by none other than our C.G. Jung. Of course. But wouldn't you know it? The title of the book is quite simply "Synchronicity".
Coincidence?
The story I want to tell today is true, it is the true story of today.
To set the stage, you will need a little bit of background. At this time in my life I am attempting (frustratingly slowly at the moment) to write my Master's thesis. My topic is landscape and pilgrimage. In September and October of 2011, I walked for 37 days covering a distance of nearly 900km from St. Jean Pied-de-Port, France to Santiago de Compostela, Spain. The distance between these two places is more commonly referred to as the Camino de Santiago, a Medieval, Catholic pilgrimage. What I am doing with this is writing an autoethnography exploring how the landscapes of the pilgrimage impact the experiences of the pilgrim, in this case, myself. An autoethnography, is essentially a detailed analysis of your own experiences as a member of a culture. The culture here is that of pilgrims on the Camino, and I was a member of that culture, as soon as I set one foot in front of the other headed down that well worn trail. For my research I kept a daily journal wherein I talked about the landscape I had walked through each day, and what kinds of experiences I had during that day. At this moment, I am engaged in writing out all of these experiences in a more engaging and detailed form to be included in my thesis. A word, and a concept, that has come up several times in my journal that is making its way into my thesis is "Synchronicity". Synchronicity is the idea that "coincidences" are not random, but in fact meaningful. While the idea has come up often in my life and I use the term on occasion, I don't actually have any philosophical grounding for understanding it or talking about it, but I have been aware that I'll need to have one if I'm going to talk about it in my thesis.
This morning I awoke, as I often do, from a dream that I don't really remember and it's not really important. After making myself an americano, I sat down to check my email. Somewhere in the course of checking email I came across a link to a very odd video. In this video, an interview as it turned out, an English rock band by the name of Turbowolf was inquiring into some of the mysteries of the universe with a notable paranormal author. I was listening to this in the background as I went about doing other things but one sequence caught my ear. The author was speaking about the afterlife-obsessed ancient Egyptians and suggesting that the Great Pyramid at Giza was not, as it commonly believed, a tomb but rather an elaborate three dimensional model of their cultural beliefs about the journey into the afterlife. A training arena for the eventual death and associated journey into the afterlife which the Egyptians believed should be something you prepared for in life.
This concept suddenly brought to mind in me the idea that perhaps our dreams are something similar. Dreams, are replete with symbolism (archetypes if you will), and the thought occurred to me that having dreams and trying to decode and understand them, is a kind of training in communicating through symbolism. Symbolism being a far more "universal" language than say English, or Coptic. Once we have an understanding of the language of symbols we can communicate with our subconscious, or perhaps our subconscious can communicate with us... For convenience sake "us" here refers to our conscious self. If your think about it, a journey into the subconscious is an awful lot like a journey into the underworld (semantic metaphors aside). Stories of psychoanalysis and intensive meditation will attest that this journey is no less difficult or dangerous than a journey into a mythological (or real) underworld.
Following this morning coffee theorizing session I tried to go about my work day as usual: walk the dog, meditate to clear my mind, sit in front of the computer and attempt to write my seemingly unending and now dreaded "chapter 4"... Naturally my efforts to focus and "get work done" were largely unsuccessful.
Later in the day my father calls. He really wants everyone to see the movie "Pina", I've seen it! So we talk about that a bit. Somehow or other the conversation comes around (unprompted mind you) to Carl Jung, which I find pretty interesting given my morning, and I might go so far as to call is a minor episode of Synchronicity. We have a pretty interesting conversation about symbols for a little while and eventually I have to go because (interestingly enough) I had already made plans to go see a different movie, "A Dangerous Method", about (you guessed it) Carl Jung, and Sigmund Freud. The movie makes several mentions of Jung's theories about "coincidence", though they don't explicitly use the word "synchronicty", it is heavily implied.
But there's more. As I'm thinking about synchronicity and walking out the door to go home I decide to go into the bookstore instead and maybe check out some Jung, whom I have never actually read, because remember I still need that philosophical grounding for my thesis. I head resolutely toward where I assume the psychology section would be (near Religion and Occult) and sure enough there it is. As I let my eyes roll over the books they come to rest first upon a book by none other than our C.G. Jung. Of course. But wouldn't you know it? The title of the book is quite simply "Synchronicity".
Coincidence?
Saturday, August 06, 2011
News Flash Fiction II
Reuters Station, Andromeda - The inhabitants of the planet LS7498 in the galaxy NGC3690 have filed a class action lawsuit against the Primary Landowners of the planet and the owners of a nearby asteroid, the Quantum Minerals Corporation in an effort to block plans for a Merger of the two bodies. The merger would allow mineral extraction to continue on Asteroid NLO476, a rich producer of Dilithium Crystals, at a fraction of the current cost by utilizing the resources available on LS7498. The Inhabitants are seeking an injunction of the merger application citing the case of "Human Kind Vs. Google Mirth"1 as precedent.
1 "Human Kind Vs. Google Mirth" famously resulted in the near extinguishment of all Human life when Google Earth and Google Moon executed a plan to merge their two bodies into a single object. The merger had promised shorter commutes and was acting acting upon the advise of advertising executives to re-new their companies image.
1 "Human Kind Vs. Google Mirth" famously resulted in the near extinguishment of all Human life when Google Earth and Google Moon executed a plan to merge their two bodies into a single object. The merger had promised shorter commutes and was acting acting upon the advise of advertising executives to re-new their companies image.
News Flash Fiction
Earth Orbit- The last Man and Woman of Planet Earth were convicted Tuesday on charges of 'Failure to Ensure the Survival of the Human Race". The conviction did not come as a surprise to followers of this unprecedented case. The last human pair has cited 'irreconcilable differences' throughout their defense, but in a dramatic turn their arguments had been thrown out when the testimony of expert witnesses revealed that humanity did not meet the qualifications for status as 'Beings of Average Intelligence'. From then on the pair were no longer allowed to speak in their own defense under Intergalactic Law IQ101D.
In previous dealings with the human race, the Intergalactic Judges Panel had been known to frequently make use of irony in their sentencing, in this case execution was ruled out due to impracticality. The pair, now being affectionately referred to as "Atom" and "Evil" (See also 'Notable Achievements of Humanity') were reclassified as Critically Endangered Species and sent to live out the remainder of their natural life spans in an emergency captive breeding facility.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Dave and Josephine's Wedding Cake
My dear friends Dave and Josephine embarked on a journey of their own on July 10 when they tied the knot! I was happpily able to attend the two ceremonies in Los Angeles and happier still and honoured as well to bake and decorate the wedding cake.
There were actually two ceremonies, a smaller more intimate one in the morning for close friends and immediate family and a much larger one in the evening for all the family and friends. The cake here, the tiered one, was for the first ceremony. I made another one tier cake for a toppper to a massive tray of cupcakes also that I'll post separately.
The cakes were a vegan base with tulsi and rose flowers in the batter and a lemon "buttercream" frosting. I also made little marzipan woodland creatures and put them in a forest made of willow twigs on the cake. SO FUN!
There were actually two ceremonies, a smaller more intimate one in the morning for close friends and immediate family and a much larger one in the evening for all the family and friends. The cake here, the tiered one, was for the first ceremony. I made another one tier cake for a toppper to a massive tray of cupcakes also that I'll post separately.
The cakes were a vegan base with tulsi and rose flowers in the batter and a lemon "buttercream" frosting. I also made little marzipan woodland creatures and put them in a forest made of willow twigs on the cake. SO FUN!
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Days in the (C)ountry.
(Written July 1, 2009)
It began with a parade not celebrating the independence of a country, but the independence of eccentric locals with musical instruments.
Roughly 16 hours ago I awoke. I roused myself much too early on a Saturday with coffee (more to follow later) and a promise to be the first ever resident belly dancer in the Cheltenham Day festivities. The weather: a cool, sea-like, breeze and a cloudless sky.
Roughly 16 years ago, I was growing up here in
I find myself at a parade at 9:00am with members and fans of the “Music Farm” a farm for music, honey and garlic courtesy of Paul Haines (AKA Rusty Ephemeris.) The tent is full of instruments, as many in action as possible, and garlic scapes (the stalks of garlic plants) to be dipped in honey or bought by the bunch for whatever may need a garlicky flavour (stir fry, omelet, frittata… an otherwise uninteresting sandwich). We’ve gathered here; mum, myself, uncle Nik, aunt Andrea, Rusty, Sage (his daughter), Sage’s friends and at some point we picked up a horn and squeeze box playing clown, though fortunately, not a leprechaun. I’m jingling all over in my belly dancing attire and getting some second looks from the firefighters grilling next to us. This is a town where “festival” does not equate with ‘hippy clothes and bare feet’ so much as it does with pie eating contests and children on straw bales.
We drummed, we jingle jangled, we danced, I shimmied, we paraded through
Home again, mum napping, I was struck with the desire to express in ink and then immediately with the thought; ‘upon what?’ It occurred to me then to revisit the antique flea market in nearby Glen Williams where I had seen a rather neglected drafting table. I’d seen it offered up for $20 while it sat in the rain the previous weekend. It was told to me that the table had previously belonged to the lead animator for the television show “Inspector Gadget”… what a history. It was still there, I offered $15, it came home with me, I spent a while cleaning it up and by the time mum got up again it was in my room and sadly without a useful chair. Away we went to
By the time that was set up we have enough time for a quick veggie burger bite before heading out again for farm music. “Farm music” brings to mind something which could inspire square dancing so it was much to my surprise when we parked in a field and walked under a lit up cedar arch to find a hidden hipster fest! Most of the attendees looked like they were loyal shoppers of Urban Outfitters and thrift shops specializing in “western wear.” Fortunately I was sporting a tattoo and hipster camouflage (plaid), handy in just such a situation as this. I was thinking that the coin belt and finger zils from the earlier parade ensemble would have gone over in this crowd without the double takes. Barn yards are not commonly the place to find people in polka dot dresses with tights, or jeans, band shirts, sneakers and wide rimmed glasses. However, this barn yard was another case. The front yard was packed, Tetris form, with tents.
Evidentially this “Stones Throw Farm” is host to an annual music festival drawing out all the local hipsters and some really great local bands. The stage was set up between a shed and a grain silo in an old farmhouses backyard. The lights were set up on a ladder and inside a horse trailer and the picture-frame area between the stage and the silo displayed possibly the most picturesque rolling fields with lines of trees and dotted farms, sun setting smack in the middle of it. This made for incredible scenery and incredible difficulty in actually seeing the band. The sun was in my eyes almost the whole time, until it finally concluded in a gorgeous and long, stretched-out sunset. This I watched happily from behind the barn in the company of a doe-eyed jersey cow which I felt compelled to feed and bow to along with the sun. The music was superb. All three, of the many bands playing, that I saw, were worth checking out: 1. Tacoma Hell Farm Tragedy 2. Ridin Forward 3.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Know Thy Self!
We had an exercise in one of my classes to think about ourselves as 7-9 year old's and try to express the experience of place we had at that age. The idea was to understand where we come from as designers and where our relationship to place came from. Studies, evidentially, say that largely it comes from this time in our development (7-9 years old).
I have previously written, though without explicitly stating, about this exact time in my life. My fondest memories date from then (I now know I am not remotely singular in that) and indeed my enduring desire to relate to the landscape on ever deeper levels stems from this time and the place that most inspired it in me.
I was living in an ant infested house (I loved it still) in Hockley Valley, Ontario at that point in my life and it's the only house I lived in for any amount of time (4-5 years) that I can remember (technically I lived in Caledon, Ontario in Robinson Hall for closer to 7 years but I was born there and I don't really remember consciously most of my infanthood). The Hockley house was on 100 acres going from the top of the hill all the way into the valley and through all sorts of forests; maple and beech, ceder, poplar etc...
The bulk of my years spent in this house I was homeschooled, and when I say homeschooled I mean I was primarily self schooled. My brothers and I never followed a strict curriculum that I can recall, though we had various workbooks at times, mostly Waldorf. The only "formal" class I can remember my father inventing was on mythology. This explains a lot about me. Anyway, I was a very independent little girl and I spent most of my time off exploring the land alone. In thinking about this exercise a whole host of places and experiences and memories come to mind all situated within that property. I was trying to figure how best to represent those images and the feelings they left within me but I kept returning to one in particular and it is a memory of a place I found that has returned to me many times throughout my life. However, I have never really been able to fully express it or represent it visually to someone else. So rather than try to represent specific images from my childhood I began to think about what the character of my interaction with those places was and I realized that no matter what memory I recalled the answer was largely the same. I was looking for transformation. Though I didn't understand it in quite so abstract a way at the time that was what I was doing.
For example: a favorite pastime of mine was to look for natural arches or holes in the landscape; caves, split trees, roots coming out of the ground and whatnot. I was looking for doorways and whenever I found something like that I would go through allowing (hoping) for the possibility that I may be transported to some other realm or magically transformed somehow. Generally in my imagination I would become a wolf, an animal which I am still utterly romanced by. So I explored my environment with an eye for it to change me somehow and it did every day in ways I am still coming to understand.
I interact with places and landscapes in the same way now albeit with, slightly, more realistic expectations. My childhood desire to explore nature has manifested in my adult self as a kind of wanderlust because in travel and new experience I am most lucid and present and I come to know myself better as a result. Taking ourselves out of the everyday context that we live in, the familiar, I think we can achieve a level of objectivity about ourselves (I do not believe true objectivity is possible really unless perhaps through enlightenment) and often we are surprised by how different we can be in new situations. The more experiences like this we have the more complex and holistic our understanding of ourselves and our motivations becomes. Travel for me is a pilgrimage toward self understanding.
It can also be a curse at times as I am restless and tend to blame all problems on wherever I happen to be, the solutions always being that I should go somewhere else, the "grass is always greener" scenario. Nevertheless everybody is driven by something and for many that something is a thirst for knowledge. I thirst most after knowledge of myself. This may seem arrogant but all humanity is selfish whether we attempt to ennoble it or not, we cannot help it. Except perhaps through intense spiritual dedicaition and ego denial... but that is another matter.
In sumary, it was a fascinating mental exploration brought about by a simple studio assignment and now I must figure out some way in which to express all of these ramblings concisely and with a point! The moral of the story? Focus.
I will leave you with my personal mantra from "Meditations on the Tarot"; "Learn at first concentration without effort, transform work into play, make every yoke you have accepted easy, and every burden that you carry light."
Love.
I have previously written, though without explicitly stating, about this exact time in my life. My fondest memories date from then (I now know I am not remotely singular in that) and indeed my enduring desire to relate to the landscape on ever deeper levels stems from this time and the place that most inspired it in me.
I was living in an ant infested house (I loved it still) in Hockley Valley, Ontario at that point in my life and it's the only house I lived in for any amount of time (4-5 years) that I can remember (technically I lived in Caledon, Ontario in Robinson Hall for closer to 7 years but I was born there and I don't really remember consciously most of my infanthood). The Hockley house was on 100 acres going from the top of the hill all the way into the valley and through all sorts of forests; maple and beech, ceder, poplar etc...
The bulk of my years spent in this house I was homeschooled, and when I say homeschooled I mean I was primarily self schooled. My brothers and I never followed a strict curriculum that I can recall, though we had various workbooks at times, mostly Waldorf. The only "formal" class I can remember my father inventing was on mythology. This explains a lot about me. Anyway, I was a very independent little girl and I spent most of my time off exploring the land alone. In thinking about this exercise a whole host of places and experiences and memories come to mind all situated within that property. I was trying to figure how best to represent those images and the feelings they left within me but I kept returning to one in particular and it is a memory of a place I found that has returned to me many times throughout my life. However, I have never really been able to fully express it or represent it visually to someone else. So rather than try to represent specific images from my childhood I began to think about what the character of my interaction with those places was and I realized that no matter what memory I recalled the answer was largely the same. I was looking for transformation. Though I didn't understand it in quite so abstract a way at the time that was what I was doing.
For example: a favorite pastime of mine was to look for natural arches or holes in the landscape; caves, split trees, roots coming out of the ground and whatnot. I was looking for doorways and whenever I found something like that I would go through allowing (hoping) for the possibility that I may be transported to some other realm or magically transformed somehow. Generally in my imagination I would become a wolf, an animal which I am still utterly romanced by. So I explored my environment with an eye for it to change me somehow and it did every day in ways I am still coming to understand.
I interact with places and landscapes in the same way now albeit with, slightly, more realistic expectations. My childhood desire to explore nature has manifested in my adult self as a kind of wanderlust because in travel and new experience I am most lucid and present and I come to know myself better as a result. Taking ourselves out of the everyday context that we live in, the familiar, I think we can achieve a level of objectivity about ourselves (I do not believe true objectivity is possible really unless perhaps through enlightenment) and often we are surprised by how different we can be in new situations. The more experiences like this we have the more complex and holistic our understanding of ourselves and our motivations becomes. Travel for me is a pilgrimage toward self understanding.
It can also be a curse at times as I am restless and tend to blame all problems on wherever I happen to be, the solutions always being that I should go somewhere else, the "grass is always greener" scenario. Nevertheless everybody is driven by something and for many that something is a thirst for knowledge. I thirst most after knowledge of myself. This may seem arrogant but all humanity is selfish whether we attempt to ennoble it or not, we cannot help it. Except perhaps through intense spiritual dedicaition and ego denial... but that is another matter.
In sumary, it was a fascinating mental exploration brought about by a simple studio assignment and now I must figure out some way in which to express all of these ramblings concisely and with a point! The moral of the story? Focus.
I will leave you with my personal mantra from "Meditations on the Tarot"; "Learn at first concentration without effort, transform work into play, make every yoke you have accepted easy, and every burden that you carry light."
Love.
Monday, December 28, 2009
What now?
It's just after Christmas, I've just finished the first semester of the Guelph Master's of Landscape Architecture program and I did very well for myself. I made A's in all my classes and though I normally don't find grades to be very good markers of standing or understanding, I am at least a little proud because this program nearly destroyed me. It kicked my ass like nothing else I have ever been asked to do. In hindsight I can't even really say definitively why, but that I don't believe I have ever been more stressed out more frequently and had so little "time" outside of a project, ever.
They say hindsight is 20/20 but I must respectfully disagree completely, I rather find hindsight to be quite blind. I find that experiences which seemed like hell in the present, that you would never get through sanity intact, always pass and are remembered fondly. My foresight (which is also regrettably terrible lately, but I think may be right in this) is telling me that in hindsight I shall have loved this program. For now, well in truth I don't believe I have ever doubted a decision, once made, more than the one to come here. Generally speaking I don't doubt decisions made at all so that is definitely saying something. I am in the midst of a quarter life, perhaps, an existential crisis, in short I'm a bit lost.
Home and the ideal of belonging in a place are elusive and ever intangible.
In my present state of being I am very, perhaps overly, aware and attuned to what I perceive as "signs". So much so that I am searching all the time for a sense of direction from the Universe, an existential road sign so to speak. There were many signs and indications; practical, emotional and spiritual which brought me to where I am right now. Returning here not only seemed the right thing, it seemed the only thing to do, it was the "natural" next step in my development. The opportunity to apply to Graduate School sort of fell into my lap and I did not, admittedly, put probably enough thought into the matter I just applied trusting that things would unfold as they should and I was accepted. So I'm here doing this but since but what exactly "this" is I am not the least bit certain of...
But, for all my doubts and anxiety I am fully aware that this program is excellent, I am in no way wasting my time by being here so if I can convince myself to relax a little I am sure I will get a great deal out of this. What I need most is a goal, I am decidedly goal oriented. If I can engage the material long enough to figure out what exactly I am trying to get out of this program then perhaps I will achieve some semblance of contentedness.
They say hindsight is 20/20 but I must respectfully disagree completely, I rather find hindsight to be quite blind. I find that experiences which seemed like hell in the present, that you would never get through sanity intact, always pass and are remembered fondly. My foresight (which is also regrettably terrible lately, but I think may be right in this) is telling me that in hindsight I shall have loved this program. For now, well in truth I don't believe I have ever doubted a decision, once made, more than the one to come here. Generally speaking I don't doubt decisions made at all so that is definitely saying something. I am in the midst of a quarter life, perhaps, an existential crisis, in short I'm a bit lost.
Home and the ideal of belonging in a place are elusive and ever intangible.
In my present state of being I am very, perhaps overly, aware and attuned to what I perceive as "signs". So much so that I am searching all the time for a sense of direction from the Universe, an existential road sign so to speak. There were many signs and indications; practical, emotional and spiritual which brought me to where I am right now. Returning here not only seemed the right thing, it seemed the only thing to do, it was the "natural" next step in my development. The opportunity to apply to Graduate School sort of fell into my lap and I did not, admittedly, put probably enough thought into the matter I just applied trusting that things would unfold as they should and I was accepted. So I'm here doing this but since but what exactly "this" is I am not the least bit certain of...
But, for all my doubts and anxiety I am fully aware that this program is excellent, I am in no way wasting my time by being here so if I can convince myself to relax a little I am sure I will get a great deal out of this. What I need most is a goal, I am decidedly goal oriented. If I can engage the material long enough to figure out what exactly I am trying to get out of this program then perhaps I will achieve some semblance of contentedness.
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