What now?
It's just after Christmas, I've just finished the first semester of the Guelph Master's of Landscape Architecture program and I did very well for myself. I made A's in all my classes and though I normally don't find grades to be very good markers of standing or understanding, I am at least a little proud because this program nearly destroyed me. It kicked my ass like nothing else I have ever been asked to do. In hindsight I can't even really say definitively why, but that I don't believe I have ever been more stressed out more frequently and had so little "time" outside of a project, ever.
They say hindsight is 20/20 but I must respectfully disagree completely, I rather find hindsight to be quite blind. I find that experiences which seemed like hell in the present, that you would never get through sanity intact, always pass and are remembered fondly. My foresight (which is also regrettably terrible lately, but I think may be right in this) is telling me that in hindsight I shall have loved this program. For now, well in truth I don't believe I have ever doubted a decision, once made, more than the one to come here. Generally speaking I don't doubt decisions made at all so that is definitely saying something. I am in the midst of a quarter life, perhaps, an existential crisis, in short I'm a bit lost.
Home and the ideal of belonging in a place are elusive and ever intangible.
In my present state of being I am very, perhaps overly, aware and attuned to what I perceive as "signs". So much so that I am searching all the time for a sense of direction from the Universe, an existential road sign so to speak. There were many signs and indications; practical, emotional and spiritual which brought me to where I am right now. Returning here not only seemed the right thing, it seemed the only thing to do, it was the "natural" next step in my development. The opportunity to apply to Graduate School sort of fell into my lap and I did not, admittedly, put probably enough thought into the matter I just applied trusting that things would unfold as they should and I was accepted. So I'm here doing this but since but what exactly "this" is I am not the least bit certain of...
But, for all my doubts and anxiety I am fully aware that this program is excellent, I am in no way wasting my time by being here so if I can convince myself to relax a little I am sure I will get a great deal out of this. What I need most is a goal, I am decidedly goal oriented. If I can engage the material long enough to figure out what exactly I am trying to get out of this program then perhaps I will achieve some semblance of contentedness.
They say hindsight is 20/20 but I must respectfully disagree completely, I rather find hindsight to be quite blind. I find that experiences which seemed like hell in the present, that you would never get through sanity intact, always pass and are remembered fondly. My foresight (which is also regrettably terrible lately, but I think may be right in this) is telling me that in hindsight I shall have loved this program. For now, well in truth I don't believe I have ever doubted a decision, once made, more than the one to come here. Generally speaking I don't doubt decisions made at all so that is definitely saying something. I am in the midst of a quarter life, perhaps, an existential crisis, in short I'm a bit lost.
Home and the ideal of belonging in a place are elusive and ever intangible.
In my present state of being I am very, perhaps overly, aware and attuned to what I perceive as "signs". So much so that I am searching all the time for a sense of direction from the Universe, an existential road sign so to speak. There were many signs and indications; practical, emotional and spiritual which brought me to where I am right now. Returning here not only seemed the right thing, it seemed the only thing to do, it was the "natural" next step in my development. The opportunity to apply to Graduate School sort of fell into my lap and I did not, admittedly, put probably enough thought into the matter I just applied trusting that things would unfold as they should and I was accepted. So I'm here doing this but since but what exactly "this" is I am not the least bit certain of...
But, for all my doubts and anxiety I am fully aware that this program is excellent, I am in no way wasting my time by being here so if I can convince myself to relax a little I am sure I will get a great deal out of this. What I need most is a goal, I am decidedly goal oriented. If I can engage the material long enough to figure out what exactly I am trying to get out of this program then perhaps I will achieve some semblance of contentedness.
Comments